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grrr, argh [Mar. 20th, 2011|04:52 pm]
Yes I know that title is from the Buffy/Angel universe's closing credits but it reflects my frustration with the problems the internet has been giving us. It's not the modem's fault but we think rather the provider is doing something to screw it up. I just hope it holds so I can write this.

I'm feeling chipper than last time. One reason is that I managed to run into some old acquitances in the city. I've been wanting to see them for awhile but never knew how to get ahold of them. One person I know knows them on a more regular basis but for some reason his been hard to get ahold of. The only other thing I knew was where they work. So one day after I got off of work, I decided to try my luck and hope that I might run into them. The only problem was that the place was across the city from where I was. With no vehicles to my disposal, I was left with no other option but to huff it. And there was much huffing to be had. I am an ex runner from my school days but I'm out of practice and shape. It was a long 30-40 minute walk. It also was in a run down looking part of the city. It was sad seeing places that looked worn down and unattended. I won't judge those that live there but I imagine things are hard for everyone these days.

So I finally got to the work place and as luck would have it, I ran into them. It was great seeing those two again after so long. I was afraid they would get weirded out that I was tracking them down at work. I also hope I wasn't coming off too strong and invasive. But no, they seemed genuinly happy to see me. I got their contact info and we hopefully will be meeting up this coming weekend.

I also found out more about this upcoming Gale-kon. I was right in that the people who I really want to see aren't coming back this year. Hopefully they might come next year but that's over a whole year away, eh. Though, it sounds like this year is going to be awesome so I should be focusing on that instead of what isn't. I hope they are well. I understand a bit more why it's so hard to get in touch with them. It's sad when I think about it. But as long as they are happy and healthy then that's all I need to know. I wonder if it's possible to be friends with someone you've only known once or seen from a distance? I see people on the internet that seem like good human beings yet we've never met in real life. Could it be possible, is it right to consider oneself a friend with people like that even if the personability is nonexistant? Is it right to think that? I think this goes back to my question of what makes a friend these days thanks to the internet and all the wonderful ways of following, connecting, and stalking (sorry it gots to be said) that goes on. I don't know if the feeling of friendship would be returned even if there is a level of commonality. I don't know.

There really isn't anything else. I miss people like crazy. I love my fiance more every day. Work is alright. Happy belated St. Patrick's day.

stay golden,

- Conquer your demon
break down your barrier
let's survive together... - Shin Megami Tensei's "Devil Survivor"
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Yes, I'm still here [Mar. 15th, 2011|06:24 pm]
[Current Location |room]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |none]

Sorry for the lack of updates. The internet is acting up here and so some times I can't write. That and work is keeping me occupied.

Things are alright. My fiance is having a hard time sleeping and is waking me up in my room to talk about things. She's worried about so much stuff that normally shouldn't bother anyone. We're both wondering if it might be a medical thing in how much she worries. I love her so much that to see her strung out hurts. I'm going to try and relax her as best I can. For those wondering, no it won't be anything marriage only related. The only thing my bed is used for is eating, sleeping, and sometimes building a fort with it.

Work is good. I'm having problems with one bread but most of all things are turning out alright. I get along with the rest of the crew and am mindful to stay out of the dramas that happen there. Just the other day I was reminded of said drama in how workers gossip about each other. Not for me thank you, I just want to do my job.

The only thing I do crave is being with those I care about. I miss alot of people and it can be very lonely here. This last Saturday, we got together with a few people we know and it was great. It's what I need. Life is meant to be shared and I want to share it with those I care about. I realize the importance of self suffeciency but that's not what I'm talking about. I mean being connected with others and experiencing life with them. Solitude isn't meant to be permanent.

I was walking by the place were Gale-kon was held last year. It brought back alot of good memories with some cool, good people. I'm having a hard time contacting most of them and some aren't coming back as far as I can tell. It's just hard seeing someone you know and want to be friends with and they can't see or hear you. One of them wrote a message about the situation in Japan. She's very right in what she says and I hope and pray that everything works out and that everyone gets to safety. There's never a lack of need for prayer and they are always a welcome to receive. I have a personal history with that land ever since I was young so this hits home very hard. Oh God, please take care of all those suffering from this horrible event.

I might write about Gale-kon someday. I don't think it's neccessary though since others did a good job of logging it in. I don't know. Oh guys, I miss you all so much. Please be well everyone.

stay golden,

- Conquer your demon
break down your barricade
let's survive... - Shn Megami Tensei's "Devil Survivor"
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another day [Mar. 9th, 2011|04:59 pm]
[Current Location |room]
[mood |determined]
[music |never ending story - Limahl]

I'm here. I will continue writing as much as possible this Lent to help myself and somehow get connected to others. I'll admit that right now I feel kinda down. It wasn't work, not really. Some bread didn't work out last time I worked and that always depresses me. I'd like to think that most of my work is successful and helps others. Ah heck, I'll just try again. Today was pretty light and most things came out alright. I just hope this doesn't mean that tomorrow will be unbearabley heavy in the load. I'll just have to get through it. God is my strength and I won't give in or break down. I love my job and that's enough to get me through any load.

Well what really is bumming me is that I found out someone I had hoped to see at the next Gale-kon probably won't be there. I had really wanted to see them again but now it seems I won't get the chance. It's sad. I won't be depressed forever but for now, I just want to grieve.

I've been thinking about connections. I'm talking about ones from person to person. I know that now a days things seem easy to connect with others who are even halfway across the world. We got things like Facebook and formspring to get to know others. It's just, a part of me doesn't feel like this is all real. What I'm getting at is how well do we really know someone just based on what a website or a message system says? How can that ever replace a personal experience meeting someone face to face, in the flesh? Yes, things like Facebook are useful and even now I'm using an internet resource to reach out. I don't deny there significance and the positive things they can produce. My only concern is the overreliance of said resources. I sometimes fear that we are growing apart from each other despite such abilities to connect. It's kinda ironic when one thinks about it. Tools to help have been actually hurting cause of the way they are being taken. I suppose it's human nature to take things to the extreme. Stories throughout the ages have been written on this nature. In a way it may become a duty of mine as a fellow writer to say something about it. Well, I am, sorta. There is a good Japanese film translated as "Pulse" which deals with this topic. There were several crappy Americanization of the film that have lost the message so i don't recommend them.

It was Ash Wed. yesterday. We went to service which was shorter than I'd have liked but what to do. My fiance and I went to a store afterwards for some stuff and we still had our ashes on us. Some woman who came off as very ignorant started bad mouthing us right there in the store in front of others. I really didn't notice her till my fiance said something and that she was scared. I comforted and reassured her safety with me and we went on our way. I'm a bit peeved that this type of thinking still exists. I know it does but it's different when one hears about it to actually experiencing it first hand. First time outside of college that I've been criticized for my religious beliefs. That woman looked about middle aged or so. To see that vehement resentment/hatred for a belief is just bad. Such ignorance and intolerance for others is something I can never stomach. I hope this doesn't happen again.

I want to weep over so many things. I won't though. I will look towards the future and focus on what God wants me to do. Look ahead, not behind. That's a good motto to have. Sorry this is such a downer. I was hoping to put something more positive. I'm sorry. If it means anything, I'm not giving up on others. No, I could never do that. Here's to a future where we are all together.

take care and stay golden,

- conquer your demon
break down your barricade
let's survive together - Shin Megami Tensei's "Devil Survivor"
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and here...we...go [Mar. 8th, 2011|04:32 pm]
[Current Location |room]
[mood |optimisticoptimistic]
[music |none]

Yes, it has been a long time since I wrote. I've had trouble writing anything solid for years now. It's kinda a long story but since I'm writing now, why let length scare me?

It all started cause of emotional problems I was dealing with the Fall of that year. I was lost and alone. Oh yes, I had friends who could see me from time to time but I found myself very hollow inside. I had survived a terrible experience and realized that I was still breathing. There were no visible wounds from the war I went through yet a part of me had not been left unscathed. I know I'm being vague but part of me just wants to move on from all that. It wasn't just the break up mind you. I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere and that I was just a burden to others. I still struggle with doubts like that but they have improved.

For starters, I'm getting married. Yes, drop the bomb right of the bat. I woman I love and I met but divine guidance over two years ago. We were at a bar to hear a religious talk sponsered by the college and local churches. I knew right away that I loved her by the way we shook hands. She has such a beautiful, expressive face that a simple smile can tell me volumes. That and I knew she liked me too by the simple fact that she wouldn't let go of my hand right away when we shook.

We dated for two years till we finally decided this last Feb. It's going to be alot of work to get ready this Nov. when we tie the knot. I think it'll be worth it though. I love her and would ask God to switch our places whenever she'd suffer to take her burden.

I've been up to everything and nothing at the same time. My writing juices are starting to pump again. I can't describe it but to those who write, I think they know this burning which I speak of. It starts in the mind and moves either in a flash or steady down throughout till it stops at your fingers and you get this urge to just explode through words, written or verbal, and share this thing inside you with others. Trouble for me is that most of the time this happens I'm working. Work is probably the current main reason I don't write. I'm a bread baker. Been doing it for over two years now. I'm at the same place but now I bake bread. It's a great experience. I've had some ups and downs there but I love what I do.

I go to a website from time to time called thatguywiththeglasses.com. It's a great site full of web entertainers that do reviews, flashes from the past, and other neat things ranging from music to games to movies and even comic books. I have a few favorites but truthfully everyone from that website seems pretty cool. They have links to other cool people's websites too which I enjoy as well. If you get a chance, check it out.

There was a anime convention here last Memorial Day weekend. It was called Gale-kon. It was my first con ever and I loved every minute of it. It was small and not everything went as planned but I still had fun. They're going to be doing it again this year around the same time I believe. I'll definetly be there. I wonder who else is coming? Will I see old faces from last con? Who will the new guests be? There is one group, particularly one person in that group, who'd I love to meet. I'll be secretive about it because I'm kinda embarrassed about my fandom. Remember, we are all people. Cosplayers, actors, entertainers, bakers, gamers, otakus, even lawyers all are ordinary people when you get down to it. That's why me having fandom over someone is embarrassing and a little creepy to me. I don't think I could tell anyone if I was a fan because of how I feel and how it might make them feel, especially in person. Ah, enough of this. Hey, if any are interested, don't be a stranger. It'd be great to have more the merrier there. If interested, check out last years con on youtube (type in Gale-kon). I like that some of the videos have a sweet message at the end about enjoying the event and that we're close now. I just...can't help but smile and get happy about that. I don't think they were refering to me though. The thought's nice though.

Anyway, it's Ash Wed. and that means Lent is here. I have to say that part of the reason I picked up LJ again was I made it my Lenten promise. I got out of the habit of writing for personal reasons. I'm picking it up again because it's probably healthy that I do and it's time to move on from the past that kept me down for so long. I can't even remember the stuff I wrote up till now. IIt's just been so long. If you are knew to my journal, welcome, and please don't be afraid. This is a fresh start. I hope that after Lent is over, I can keep writing, in this LJ and other places. If no one is reading this, that's fine, I'm rady for that. I think this is what I should be doing. No more hiding, no more sulking, no more being quiet. I have so many things that I've picked up over the years that I want to share. I have innumerable amounts of trading cards, games, movies, books, and so on that I could be my own Giles from Buffy. For example, I have 8 gaming systems all with a considerable library. That's how much stuff I've been up to. I want to be able to share all of these things and more with others. I realize now what I knew so long ago, "Life is meant to be shared with others, not by yourself.". I would like to do that, share, with those I care about. So now I start with this long expositional entry in an account that many thought dead. I don't do facebook or anything else save for one. I have a youtube account. It's under the screen name fianagram1. I haven't made any videos but I've favorited a bunch. They're just things that struck something in me that reflects parts of me. I now know my song that reflects me. There's a video with it in my favorites section. See if you can figure it out.

I'll stop for now. I will return, promise.

stay golden...

- conquer your demon
break down your barricade
let's survive...
- Shin Megami Tensei's "Devil Survivor"
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(no subject) [Nov. 26th, 2008|01:09 pm]
[mood |draineddrained]

Yes, I know it's been awhile since I wrote. I've been busy with work and just getting used to real world rountine. Knox is out for six weeks which I've got mixed emotions about. It's going to be a long six weeks for me. Something to keep my spirit up is that my parents are getting into town in several hours. It'll be the first Thanksgiving that I have in Galesburg. When I think back, I must say I'm grateful for everything and everyone I met and got attached to. To all those who read this, thank you for coming into my life. It was great growing up together for the years we knew each other. Now I'd like to find a future where we can grow old together. Here's to a better tomorrow.
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(no subject) [Oct. 20th, 2008|10:15 pm]
Hey, this is a quick update. Doing alright, just work and library and then occasionally seeing friends. I realized that the term is over half way through and that scares me. It really has gone by fast and I still have so much to share with friends that I feel are slipping away from me (the friends).

One big issue is that I'm starting to consider dating again (hallelujah). That is a frightening yet wonderful thing taking place in my mind. After what's happened it's going to be difficult to trust anyone that closely again. But a part of me is feeling like I'm returning to my balanced, peaceful state I was at when I got with my last girlfriend. I take it that's a sign that I'm getting ready to share my life with another again. A funny thought came into my head earlier today. I'm still trying to figure it out. It went "We don't get into relationships that are intimate because we need to but rather because we want to." Strange huh? I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it.

Halloween is getting close. Weird stuff is happening with me as the date closes in but hey, don't weird things always happen around me? Take this one day at a time. Man it's going to suck when winter comes and when winter break happens and a majority of my friends leave for over a month. Eh, I'll survive. I trust God and my capability to survive. I will get through this, believe it.
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(no subject) [Oct. 3rd, 2008|07:31 pm]
so this has been a bad week. I've gotten several complaints at work on how I act "too familiar" with the customers and that it's hurting business. Heck, can't win either way. A few weeks ago it was me not being friendly enough and now it's the opposite. What ticks me off is that there is no specific examples of what it is that I'm doing wrong. The boss's answer is to reduce my hours and hid me in the back till people feel it's safe to go back into the store. Isn't American society nice! We have so much but when it comes to honesty and emotional support we are severally lacking. Yet it's me who's at fault. What really ticks me off is that I got this same complaint again today but from a different activity. I do Ballroom dancing and apparently the same complaint is running in that group too with me. I'm making members uncomfortable by standing too close when we dance and that's scaring them away. I've ticked off both members and students running the club. I'm seriously thinking of not going back because of how upset I am. Seriously, I remember getting this same complaint years ago in the GIN club. I remember being pulled aside one night and being told there was a compliant about me on the grounds I was being too close to another member. I have no recollection of ever stepping my boundaries that time but since it's coming up again from different places, I know it must be something I'm doing. But isn't it nice how everyone complains but never offers any solutions or gives any specifics for me to think about or work on. I guess I'm just a creepy asshole huh? Yeah, that's it. No one wants me around. How many times have I thought of just getting up one day and getting on that train and leaving this stupid city. Who really wants me around anyway? It's bad enough that my ex gets off scott free for what she did and I'm the one who has to be ostricized from my old group of "friends" from last year. Saw them walking after I got off work tonight. She waved but I was too ticked to reply and she just looked away. Yeah, she's got it good and doesn't even see it. I'm so mad right now, this is border lining rage. I can't write anymore.
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Because I got curious [Sep. 21st, 2008|02:09 pm]
[Current Location |library]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |bunch of nerobabble]


a) Tell you why I friended you.

b) Associate you with something -- a fandom, song, color, photo, etc.

c) Tell you something I like about you.

d) Tell you a memory I have of you.

e) Ask you something I've always wanted to know about you.

f) Tell you my favorite userpic from your list.

g) In return, you need to post this on your own livejournal.

This is my first meme. It feels kinda wierd but whatever. I actually remember seeing something like this awhile back say in Spring. I guess true memes never die or something :). Doing alright, got 2 hours of sleep last night before I had to go into work today. Just got off of it, long and boring, and I actually feel pretty good and awake. It's such a beautiful day. I hope everyone can get some beautiful memories from it that will make them smile. Later...
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(no subject) [Sep. 11th, 2008|07:18 pm]
So here I am, still in one piece. I have to say I'm doing alright at this moment. It's been hectic and kinda depressing these past few days. Everyone's returned to campus and now that aspect of the city is starting it's cycle all over again. I went to Pumphandle yesterday and got a mix between "great to see ya again" and "why are you still here, you graduated". Yeah, I got bummed by the end of it. It actually was a very short Pumphandle which didn't speak well for me.

It seems alot of people I know are going through transitions this year. I've reconnected with some really old friends who I thought never wanted to have anything to do with me again. No it isn't the current group but an older group of cool cats. I was surprised and happy. We've hung out and watched various things like Akira and Dawson's Creek (yeah roll the eyes go on ahead). We might be watching Wizards sometime in a few days if things don't get crazy (too late for some it seems).

I was scared at first to go around campus for fear of running into her and those people who claimed to be my friends. I no longer fear them because they're the ones avoiding me. I don't have to do anything different, they're the ones making things hard on themselves. I'm more than willing to discuss things with them about how things were last year but they "still need time away from me" before that happens. They think they're helping me and themeselves by keeping up this distance but it really is just for them. I'm actually getting sad and ticked off that they think they know what's best for the situation without my input. As a friend of mine told me "You've made the effort to communicate, now it's their turn." I'm not holding my breath. I saw them last night. My ex looked at me and I waved at her. She waved back and then walked away. The others saw this and then saw me. Upon seeing me they immediately turned their backs and walked off without so much as a recognition to my presence. I was so depressed after that and this morning over that. I cried at work in front of one of the co workers who then immediately put her hand on my shoulder and told me things will be alright. I do know that I have others to turn to and making surprising reconnections with a few. It all gives me hope that things will work out. I don't know how to explain it but I've been getting these waves of postive energy flowing through me that tells me things will work out. I'm trying to believe that but at times like last night it is very difficult to believe there will be an end to this mess. They're wrong to leave me like this and think things will work out. Friends don't abandon each other like they have. I'm so sad and upset but at the same time hopeful and full of positive energy. I recently saw the movie "Peaceful Warrior" about a gymnast who finds enlightenment before he tries out for the Olympics. Supposed to be based on a book by the person who's the main character which is supposedly true accounts in his life. I don't know about that but the movie really helped me focus on the tasks at hand. All things come into being and there is only the here and now.

I recently got a kendo sword from a friend. I've been practicing with it a couple of times. I'm not any good but I do know that it helps calm me. I'm able to find a center to myself that relaxes me and allows me to find the peace that I want so badly.

No matter what happens, I want to thank all of you who've listened to me and shown support for what I've gone through. It really helps me to know that I'm not alone. No one is alone in this existance. The world is a mystery, so why bother trying to figure it out. There needs to be a constant humor in one's life or they'll go crazy from seriousness. Life's too serious to be taken seriously. Change is a fact of living. Even death brings life. The universe has lasted this long so it must know a bit on how to take care of itself. I'm not afraid. I'm ready.

Where am I? I'm here.
What am I doing? This.
When is it? Now!!
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Things are... [Sep. 5th, 2008|08:36 am]
not good. Not good at all. I recently got an e-mail from a friend who was the roommate and will be the roommate again this year with my ex. The message went along the lines of "we don't want to see you because we don't want drama from last year happening again" type stuff. There was more to it but in the end, it came down to "get psychiatric help and medication or you'll never see us again". They want time and distance from em. Yeah, alot of bad stuff happened last term. I went through a total mental crisis because of what some people who I'd trusted went and did to me. I regret ever losing control but it looks like I'm still going to suffer the consequences of my actions. It isn't a nice message nor do I find it fair. However, I do understand why they would say the things they did. Who wants drama? Especially the mentally disturbed kind of drama. I'm better now, this summer helped me get over that part. They don't know that so they have no proof that I've recovered. I don't think it's fair or right for them to tell me that they want space via e-mail when in just 4 days they would have been back to tell me in person. I have no say in the matter nor any way to defend myself because it's a message that I cannot talk back to. I'm very hurt, sad, and angry over what they wrote and I'm probably going to severe all ties with them, including my ex since she's good friends with them. Yeah, last conversation I had with my ex was kind of a downer. She said that I had unresolved issues not just with her and her new boyfriend but all of our friends. She wants all of us to get together in either a counseling session or as a group and smooth things over. I see it as a coming confrontation. But considering that her friends want nothing to do with me based on old judgments makes things rather difficult in terms of talking things over. I'm hurt that they would do this to me, sending me an e-mail that basically says "stay away till you get help". I know that even if I try defending myself over this they think that they're in the right and are totally justified treating me like a dangerous psychopath. I regret always losing myself and my head. I have that to bear for the rest of my life. Things like this only make that cross harder to bear. They say they worry about me. Well isn't that a strange thing to say when they then go and say stay away from us. Sure doesn't show them worrying about me at all but rather telling me off like I'm a shame to be seen with.

They were the last tie I had to Knox. Now that's gone. This feels like a forever thing what they've told me. Even if they wanted me back I now feel hurt enough to never see or deal with them again. They knew when my ex and her new boyfriend got together long before I did and hid that from me. They knew how hurt I was and still they treat me like this. They don't know what I went through to get better over the summer and still they treat me this way. Hurt? Sad? Angry? Yeah, i guess that's the closest way to describe the state that I'm in. I'm this close to saying goodbye to Knox and never having anything to do with anything there. LARP maybe the only exception but when I think about, who really does want me around on a daily bases there? I got no more friends to go to at that school now that the ones who I looked so forward to seeing don't want me around. Now I think it's best that I never see them again. They forgot the friendship that we have and now it's become a had. Yeah, I'm miffed. I went through hell this summer and now I got nothing and no one to look forward to seeing this fall. Things won't change for me in terms of who I'm with. I will be alone and perhaps it's better that way. I'd rather be alone than with people who aren't comfortable being around me. That isn't friendship. My ex wants to be peacemaker but that isn't going to happen. If they want to have a discussion over this, that's fine. But from here on out, they won't ever have to deal with me. Hope they got what they wanted from this.

I'm outta here.
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